One Toddler Versus Obedience: After the Storms, Peace

September 1, 2007
Michael Evans
  

One Toddler Versus Obedience: After the Storms, Peace

Two weeks ago Karla and I fought a two and a half hour battle of the wills with our 23 month old son Jared Richard.  What were we thinking giving him a name which means  “powerful ruler…brave one?”

He’s a stubborn little guy who likes to have his own way.  He comes by it honestly enough.  His daddy is also a stubborn big guy who likes to have his own way.

Nevertheless, as somewhat seasoned parents we knew that August 20th was going to be a very important day in Jared’s life.

I don’t even remember what Jared did that prompted the confrontation but it soon escalated into a situation in which I received “the call.” 

Now I am blessed to have my office only a mile or so from home.  My children might not see it this way, for when dad gets “the call” at the office it’s kind of like the President punching in the secret code to arm the thermonuclear missiles.

I arrived at home to find a distraught wife and a screaming son standing in his crib…uh, just Jared was in the crib.  

All we asked of him was a simple reply of “Yes mommy” or “Yes daddy” to a simple, reasonable, understandable command.

He would have rather jumped off a three-meter board into a pool (he hates water) or given up his Pampers than to have given in and yielded in obedience to his parents.

He gave us the look that simply oozed defiance.  Time and again we removed him from the crib, explained what he needed to do, told him that there was absolutely no hope that he was going to win this battle, and then put him back into his crib.

In the early stages of this battle he received some measured corporal punishment, but it became very clear that this defiance was not going to be defeated with the rod alone, so to speak.

So, we wore him down by playing Barry Manilow music loudly, implementing a Chinese water torture and then simply waited for him to break.   Not really.  We thought the Manilow music would be cruel and unusual punishment.

We repeated the in and out of the crib, patient explanation of our expectations, probably 20 times.  Honestly it was exhausting for us all but we knew it was both necessary and worth it.

At long last there was a breakthrough and Jared said the magic words.  But it wasn’t the words we were after so much as the attitude of his heart.  And that is what changed. 

Now I am not so naïve as to think that this will be the last battle we’ll have with this little guy over obedience but life has been much better with him since this storm subsided.

He is more compliant, more obedient, and most importantly the disposition of his heart has been at least momentarily changed.

Trust me, the whole family is much happier as a result.  Meanwhile the phone on which I receive “the call(s)” remains silent.

We learned early on the importance of first time (as opposed to 1-2-3) obedience.  Years ago when another son was but 3 years old we were walking in downtown Des Moines with some of our extended family.

Somehow one of my sons broke loose from the safety of an adult and began running across a street.

The street-light was now red and he was trying to catch up to Karla and her sister who had also just scurried across the street.  Little did this little guy know, because a parked truck was  blocking his vision, that a city bus was barreling down the street.

It was a moment of desperation as I knew that if he did not stop he would have been pummeled by the bus.  I yelled out, ________ stop!  He stopped on a dime.  If he hadn’t I honestly believe he would have died.

I shudder to this day to think what might have been had we not been working with our sons on this very important children’s responsibility of obeying their parents…immediately.

If you ever get tired of fighting these battles of obedience, and we all do, or you will if you’re just starting out, just consider the sobering possibilities and apply the wisdom of God’s Word in this area.

The late great preacher C.H. Spurgeon once wrote: “The worst sort of clever men are those who know better than the Bible and are so  learned that they believe the world had no Maker, and that men are only monkeys with their tails rubbed off…”

Over time I have come to believe that evolution and biblical Christianity are incompatible, mutually exclusive truth claims.  Which means at least one is wrong.

If macro-evolution were true parenting would be much easier, for I would be compelled as a parent not to interfere with nature running its course. 

According to natural selection the sole responsibilities of parents would be to provide the physical nutrition necessary for my child to survive to an age where his gene pool could be propagated to the next generation.

The other responsibility would be to physically protect one’s purposeless and tail-less monkey from outside forces that might threaten its life.

Other than that parents should feel free, indeed obligated to let their small children fully develop their natural, sinful tendencies…selfishness, disobedience, disrespect, impatience, and tantrums to name a few. 

Unfortunately I think some parents unwittingly do parent their children this way, with a “hands-off” approach, not wanting to tamper with their personhood.

Well, the sad fact is their personhood needs to be tampered with… big time.  We’re born sinners and separated from the life of God.   Every single one of us. 

What’s even worse is that we do not have the ability to spiritually transform the lives of our children. However we do have the responsibility to train them in obedience (among other things) in order that they might learn some of these crucial realities which are paramount for future faith.

A little girl asked Jesus into her heart one Sunday to the delight of her parents. The next day, she got mad at her little brother and hit him. Her father saw this and said, "I thought Jesus was living in your heart." She replied, "I did, but he must be sleeping right now."

The Bible tells children, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  Honor your father and mother (this is the first commandment with a promise) that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land” (Eph. 6:1-2).

Many tend to focus only on the “blessings” of obedience to mom and dad.  What about prolonged life?  Life and death may literally hang in the balance with regard to these issues.

Just ask captain Zietern if you don’t believe me.  Frederick the Great, King of Prussia, was engaged in a strategic battle at Silesia.  He gave orders that all fires and lights were to be put out by a certain hour.  He was so concerned that his army’s position might be given away that he personally toured the camp that evening to make sure that his order was obeyed. 

Passing by a row of tents, he saw a light flickering inside one of the tents.  He walked in and found a captain, Zietern, completing a letter to his wife.  Frederick asked the man if he knew of the order; the man said that he did.  He threw himself at Frederick’s feet, and admitted his guilt.  He could not deny his disobedience, he had been caught in the act.

Frederick told him to get up and then took the man’s quill and dipped it into the ink.  He then handed the quill to the captain and said, “Add this postscript to your letter.  Tomorrow I shall perish on the gallows.”  The captain wrote was he was told and was, in fact, executed the following day”   (Steve Farrar, Point Man, p. 213).

Mom and Dad, do you have any idea how important it is that your children take you seriously? Choose the non-negotiables carefully, but stand by them with courage and perseverance.

A little boy was riding his tricycle furiously around the block, over and over again.  Finally a policeman stopped and asked him why he was going around and around.  The boy said that he was running away from home.  Then the policeman asked why he kept going around the block.  The boy responded, “Because my mom said that I’m not allowed to cross the street.”  The point is clear—obedience will keep you close to those you love.

Since fighting the battle royale on August 20 both Karla and I have felt much more emotionally connected to Jared.  He gets it and we get the joy of seeing even a small child experience the promise of God.

On bad days I find myself thinking that I am too old to have a toddler.  I’ve already been through the toddler wars four times over. 

But, in God’s good sense of humor wouldn’t you know that Jared towers over his predecessors in stubbornness, making them look like jellyfish by comparison. 

But, we will happily continue to love Jared, pray for him, over him and with him, that he might continue to learn to obey his parents as a precursor to something much more important.

Namely, it is our great hope and continual prayer that in time Jared might grow to happily obey the LORD God Almighty, glorifying Him and fully enjoying Him forever.

I leave with you an old Puritan prayer by Richard Baxter titled Obedience:

Lord, it belongs not to my care

Whether I die or live;

To love and serve Thee is my share, and this Thy grace must give.

If  life be long I will be glad,

That I may long obey;

If short--yet why should I be sad

To soar to endless day?

Christ leads me through no darker rooms than he went through before;

He that to God's Kingdom comes, Must enter by this door.

Richard Baxter