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God’s Best For Fathers And Their Children
February 1, 2003
Michael Evans
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” [Ephesians 6:4].
The title of this monthly column is Patros Logos (a father’s words). You may have noticed.
The purpose for which I write is to the end that home-school fathers might be encouraged to persevere in faithful fatherhood to the glory of God and the temporal and eternal joy of their children.
One thing I have begun to notice, however, is that I hardly ever use the word “home-school” in my columns. This is not by design.
What it does show me, however, is that the things I write about are not just pertinent to fathers who home-school their children.
Rather, I believe they are pertinent to every father who is interested in following Jesus, and raising children, and loving their wives, in this sin-saturated world.
Let’s face it men, we have our work cut out for us. In a 2001 e-bay survey 66% of the men responding said that they would be willing to miss the birth of their first child in order to see the Super Bowl. Second, maybe. But first? Come on!
We fathers can be a rather pathetic people group at times. That’s why all of us need to be challenged to father well.
I want to devote this month’s column to commenting on the very important instruction Paul gives to dads in Eph. 6:4.
Certainly Paul’s use of the word “fathers” [pateras] here does not give the green light for mothers to provoke their children to wrath.
Rather, I think that in God’s infinite wisdom, He knew that fathers, more than mothers, would have a propensity to provoke and exasperate their children.
By the very nature of redeemed manhood men and fathers are geared to strength and leadership, protection and provision.
Women, by God’s good design, are primarily wired to be the nurturers and keepers of the home. If you don’t agree, at least pretend for the rest of this column.
By the very nature of the strength necessary for true manhood it will always be easy for men to abuse their God-given good strength in ways that are immature, selfish and harmful.
Children are called to “obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right…” (Eph. 6:1).
But fathers are also called to a very distinct and solemn duty before the face of God and their children.
There are two parts to this profound command which Paul gives in his instruction to fathers. First, there is the negative command of “not provoking your children to anger.”
But secondly, there is the positive command of “bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
First, I would like to lay before you five ways fathers often disobey Paul’s command. Secondly, I will highlight the positive aspects of the second half of this verse.
1.Inconsistency: One of the quickest ways to “provoke your children to anger” is by being inconsistent in the area of discipline.
If Dad is inconsistent, i.e. lazy, in the way he metes out discipline he will have angry children.
Consistent discipline takes time, effort, prayer, and careful thought. Dads, let’s strive for consistency.
2. Selfishness: One of the greatest temptations for those of us who educate our children at home is to love our children, not too much, but defectively, as C.S. Lewis would say (see Patros Logos Nov. and Dec. 2001).
Our children are not our possessions. We do not own them or possess them. Our children belong to God. We are but the earthly guardians for them, and then just for a time.
But, during this time of guardianship we may selfishly, albeit, unwittingly forcing our children to live and think and act exactly as we would have them.
And granted, it is the solemn duty of all Christian parents to indoctrinate their young children with the truth.
But we must be careful to see to it that our desire to see our children reflect well of us does not cloud the more important issue of their personhood.
3. Too Severe. One of the most common ways we fathers can provoke our children to anger is by being too severe.
Be sure that the punishment fits the crime. This does not mean that if the glove fits you must acquit. For children and football players can be deceitful.
It does mean we must strive to be thoughtful, creative, and in control of our own emotions and bodies when we administer discipline.
Effective discipline occurs when your children respect you when it’s over. How we discipline means everything. Brothers, let us not bring out the bazooka when a pea-shooter will do…nor vice-versa.
4. Too Nit-Picky. Fathers may easily provoke their children by being unreasonable in their expectations for the children. A wise father learns to discern between childishness and simply being a child.
I sometimes need to be reminded that Benjamin is only eight years old…not eighteen.
Be careful not to smother your children with a thousand rules to govern all possible infractions. A few should suffice.
One of ours is that the boys may not play football in the house, with the real NFL ball, unless Dad is with them…and Mom is gone.
5. No Discipline. No discipline is the only thing worse than poorly administered discipline, though this isn’t an either/or proposition.
I believe this is one reason why King David’s son Absolom attempted to kill his own father (2 Samuel Chs. 14-15).
Proverbs 13:24 says, “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”
This verse must be placed right alongside Eph. 6:4 and the balance of truth must be embraced.
That’s the negative stuff fathers are to avoid. The positive command is this “…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
The three key words here are bring, discipline, and instruction.
First, Bring. This word may also be translated as “nurture”, or “provide for.”
Raising children is a delicate operation. It takes much wisdom, patience and prayer.
Especially for men who left to themselves would rather watch a Super Bowl than the birth of their first child.
Bringing children along is far different than dragging them along. It’s far easier to drag something by sheer force of will and human strength than to bother to nurture it and bring it along gently.
Second, Discipline. The word Paul uses here is the Greek word Paideia, which is a word that has to do with a well-rounded education and discipline, even to the point of punishment.
Nearly twenty years ago I enrolled in a year-long mandatory college freshman class called Paideia which was a full-orbed introduction to classical literature, history, fine arts, writing, etc.
To me, and to some readers of this column who joined me, we can attest that it was often very painful.
Third, Instruction. The word Paul uses here is the word nouthesia, which means literally to “put into one’s mind.”
The form of counseling I find most biblical, helpful, and Christ-centered is nouthetic counseling, where the helper is not merely a sounding board for a hurting person, but offers genuine biblical guidance.
So also in Christian fathering. We, even more than our wives, are called to “put into” the minds of our children good things.
Fathers are responsible for what goes into the minds of their children.
This does not mean that fathers and mothers should be the only influence in their children’s lives, or the only ones allowed to teach them anything at all.
It does mean that we fathers ought to know clearly what they are being taught.
One of the glorious truths of parenting is that not only do we have the great privilege of transferring our very best traits, but we also have the dubious distinction of transmitting our most pathetic shortcomings.
In my opinion one of the most glaring weaknesses of the home-school movement (perhaps statue would be more accurate) is the inability to see our own limitations and embrace the gifts that other like-minded, trustworthy people can bring to our household table.
Brothers, we have a sacred duty before God to our children, and it is this: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Carry on!
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