The Delicate Relationship Between Dads and Daughters

January 1, 2006
Michael Evans
  

The Delicate Relationship Between Dads and Daughters

Happy New Year everyone!  One of my hopes for this coming year is to gain a better understanding of the females in my home.    

Karla and I just celebrated 19 years of marriage together so I think I’ve learned a thing or two on this front.

Daughters, however, are very different than wives.  If you think I spend an inordinate amount of time writing about my sons you would be right.  I hope to strike a better balance in this new year.

I write most often about sons because I feel as though I know something about them.   I can relate to sons.  All but the youngest of my sons can successfully execute a farmer’s snort, spit a loogy, as well as perform the other essentials that make up the male species.

I go camping and backpacking and fishing and hiking with my boys.   We have dug for Indian artifacts in a dry riverbed.  We have built igloos, started fires with flint and steel, been lost in a hostile environment, accidentally overturned a canoe in a swollen river, played spirited rounds of paintball together, huddled together in a (leaky) tent during a frightening electrical storm, and the list goes on.

This is partly because my oldest two sons are my oldest children.  But my girls (ages 3 and 7) just aren’t interested in most of these things.

It’s not that I don’t or can’t relate to my girls at all…because I do.  But I oftentimes feel like a window-shopper walking down a bustling downtown business district looking through the thick plate glass window with my nose stuck up against the glass.

I can observe what is going on.  I can even delight in it to a certain degree.  But there is still this sense in which I feel as though I’m an outsider looking in.  I can’t really hear what is being said or make sense out of the actions.

After all, how is a man honestly supposed to make any sense at all of his daughters’ obsession with tutus, boas, little pony things, polly pockets, dress up clothes, wands, tiaras and everything pink?

If all I had were daughters I suppose things might be very different.  But, daughters are not all we have.

In the interest of getting to know Elisabeth and Gabriella better I took them on a little field trip six weeks ago.

On a Sunday afternoon just the three of us patronized the golden arches of doom in West Des Moines. 

I allowed the girls to get their very own Happy Meal, with their custom made burgers.  They thought it was great!

We then went to the dollar store where I let them pick out a couple of things.  You guessed it….all pink or girlish.

We then went to the play area at the new Jordan Creek Mall where I let them play for 45 minutes or so.  Then we went home.

They still talk about this little three hour trip with great appreciation.   Just dad and his girls doing something they truly enjoyed. 

From my perspective a trip to McDonald’s is akin to corporal punishment…maybe even capital punishment.  But it’s not my perspective that matters here.  This was about my daughters and they loved it! 

The lesson here is that even when one has to enter the golden arches of doom, there is a silver lining in it if it is serving a higher purpose.

If this is the kind of thing that will serve to build better connections with my daughters (and it did!) then it’s well worth it.  I look forward to doing something like this again with them…soon.

Every man worth his Y chromosome should know that his daughters are delicate beings that must be approached differently than sons.   

Current studies show the importance of a father's gentle strength in affirming his daughter's self-image/worth.

A recent series of articles in the Wall Street Journal featured women writing about their fathers. A woman named Sylvia wrote to share her most treasured memory of her father, a moment that occurred forty-five years ago when she was eight years old.

She'd fallen asleep on a family drive and woke up as her dad was carrying her into the house. In her semiconscious state, she felt totally loved and secure in her father's arms. What a perfect picture of meekness: a tired little girl being carried by her daddy.

By contrast, a lack of tenderness from Dad can have devastating consequences. One woman wrote in to say, "My father was emotionally detached from me . . . He never told me I was pretty, so when the first knucklehead came along and said it, I jumped right in. I was promiscuous, which led to unwanted pregnancies."

Pastor Vic Pentz writes, “A father won my heart with the words he wrote about his daughter, ‘I feed her nutritiously, help her read, tuck her in every night and tell her she's perfect just the way God made her, with glasses and asthma.’”

Blessed are the daughters of fathers with a quiet and gentle strength for they shall inherit a sense of well-being and security.

As I considered the Bible’s specific teaching regarding daughters, I was under-whelmed at the lack of specific references.  Even though there are 517 references to daughter or daughters in Scripture, there is glaringly little regarding specific treatment of this group called daughters.

The more I thought about it the more I realized that the biblical counsel for husbands regarding wives is really much the same as that of dads to daughters…with some appropriate modifications.

Think about it for a moment.  Who are daughters anyway?  Daughters are young women, most of whom will grow up and become wives and mothers.  After all, this is God’s normal pattern and desire for women.

It seems intuitive to me, therefore, that the training up of daughters is really about preparing them to be Godly wives and mothers.

As such, a passage like I Peter 3:1-7 which gives instructions for how wives and husbands are to interact is also applicable to three year old daughters.

In this passage we see that Peter instructs wives to be “respectful” and to have “pure conduct.” 

In verse 3 he instructs wives not to let their “…adornment be external—the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing…”

If I were a legalist I would run home right now and throw away all the bright dress up clothes and gaudy fake jewelry my girls love to wear.

But I’m not, so I won’t.  Instead I will encourage the second part of this statement.  Verse 4 says, “…but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

In other words I will let them play their silly dress up games but I will use it as a regular reminder to instill in them the fact that while it’s a blast for them to dress up, that is not what makes a woman truly beautiful.

Rather, modesty, good character, and internal beauty are “precious in God’s sight.”  It should be in Dad’s sight as well.

The specific instruction for husbands in verse 7 to women also has relevance to young and older daughters.

“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

If dads are going to help their daughters become godly women, then they must live with them in an “understanding way.” 

Which is to first of all admit that they can’t be fully understood.  Second, it means that we treat them gently.

Weaker vessel does not infer that they have leaks.  Nor does it mean that women are any less capable, spiritually, intellectually, or emotionally than any man. 

I think what Peter means to tell us here is that women are different than men.

A dad’s daughters need to be protected and shielded from many things.  If dad doesn’t see that it happens who will?

A dad’s daughters need to sense the powerful yet gentle strength and regular affirmation of their dad, lest they be raised in fear and confusion.

The last part of verse 7 tells us that the prayers of a man who does not live with his wife in an understanding and honorable way, are hindered.

Why would this not also be true for fathers raising future wives? 

There is indeed a delicate relationship that exists between dads and daughters…a relationship which I am trying harder to understand.

Like some of you perhaps, I feel stunted in my understanding of my daughters.  And yet, there is something deep within me that says much is at stake in this critical relationship.

And so, I will continue to plan high adventure opportunities with my sons, but I also intend to devote more thought and time with the girls in this coming year.

If this means storming the golden arches of doom with Gabriella and Elisabeth six times a year, then so be it.  See you there.  They will be the ones with the high heels, pink leotards, purple tutus and goofy hats…bearing smiles as wide as the world.

On the lighter side…..

Last week our seven year old Elisabeth was reluctant to go to bed.  When asked why, she responded by telling mom that she had been having nightmares about bears.   

Three year old Gabriella, standing nearby, responded with horror.  “Nightbears!  There are nightbears that come to our house?  Mom, would you please pray and ask God to keep away the nightbears?”

Carbs.  For nearly three years now I have been in an all out war against these my sworn enemies.  Some of you have been as well.

While I have an inborn insane affinity for carbs (pastas, potatoes, sweets of all kinds, etc. etc.), I know that if I were to eat them to my heart’s content (as I used to) that I would once again need to buy the pants with a six inch bigger waistline.

And so I continue to carry on the ruse that I hate carbs…that they are indeed my enemies, when in my heart they are my true friends.

My solution to this dilemma is as follows: On the surface live as though they are my enemies, but in the deepest recesses of my heart knowing that I am called to love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me.